Troubled Feelings

For the past couple of weeks, I have been going insane over a friend who came back from school in New York. I love her very much, and our friendship has had our fair share of drama, but in the end, we came together, only to be seperated by college.

Back when she was in New York, we used to call each other every now and then, and see how the other is doing. Usually, she's busy with work while I'm busy with my fashion projects and whatever, so we don't talk as often as we used to. However, we always talked or had some sort of communication going between us whenever we can.

Now she's back, and she hasn't called me since the day I came to pick her up at the airport. I've had trouble coming to terms with the fact that she's gone let alone the reality that she's back for three weeks. And when I call, she doesn't seem to want to talk to me, or she's busy doing something like watching T.V. or with other friends. I make her sound bad, but in truth, I've been the bad friend because I don't make solid plans with her to hang out or spend time with her. She doesn't trust me driving, which is a very reasonable mistrust, so I can't drive her to places to hang out.

I think she's angry with me. I don't know exactly what, I have guesses, such as I don't call her enough, don't try hard enough, call her too much, or am trying too hard to force her to hang out with me. Then it hit me while I was in tears yesterday: She didn't come over to New York JUST to see me. She came to visit her family and friends. I figure it's wrong to treat it like it is all about me, so I backed off on desperate hang out plans.

This sucks, I seem to can't do anything right. It's no wonder she doesn't trust me. However, throughout all this, I wish she called me at least once to wipe out my paranoia of many sorts. I'm really frustrated, hurt, and saddened by all of this, but I'll try again to figure out a plan to hang out with her.

"To receive, you must be willing to give first." This quote has many variations, but it's a philosophy I try to follow so I don't get into a situation where I blame everyone but me, and become bitter over things when I don't even try. I will try to hang out with my friend, and I'll try to come up with better plans that even she will approve of. Because during a time of mental breakdown, I called her and asked if she even wanted to hang out with me, and she said, "Yes." That's all I need to know right? I made the mistake of not trusting her before, I'll do my best not to make that mistake again.

Also, a video tribute.